Today I'll eat the pretzels instead!

Right now I am supposed to be grading papers. That was the plan. Isn’t it funny how the best plans often go awry? I think of all the plans we make. The way our life is “supposed to be.” Does it ever really work out as we plan? I guess it must occasionally or we would learn sooner to stop relying on our own expectations. Today I am struck by the beauty and pain of this lifetime. I am ripped open by a friend who is slowing dying at the hands of ALS. I am struck by the brevity of life and how much time I spend complaining about the privileged life I lead. I am haunted by the memories of a friend whose life was cut drastically short and her tiny daughter left behind with only the memories and trauma of her mother’s murder. And I am warmed by the smell of peppermint and the Christmas music playing in the background of my mind. I am floored by how much the laugh of my daughter makes life worth living and how the simple “task” of giving her a bath reminds me of why I wake up each day. Did God give me Georgia because he knew how hard this year would be? Sometimes I think that this is a year I would not have made it through if I didn’t have the daily reminder of why life is in fact so freaking beautiful. And in that spruce-scented beauty there is desperate, life-changing pain. So painful in fact that you just can’t bear to think about it. You can’t let your mind process it all, so you turn on “Dog the Bounty Hunter” and pretend it’s not happening. Maybe it is wrong to avoid reality like that, but maybe it’s just a way to survive. Today I am struck by the pain. Today it is too much for me. So, today I have a good cry, pretend it’s not happening and eat a bag of yogurt pretzels instead.