Reflecting on the need for gratitude doesn't make it happen. It's a long process, I know. I need to remember that. There is much life to live and really, I have nothing but time. I give myself permission to feel; to feel sad one moment, and still laugh. To feel depleted, disappointed, and hurt, and still enjoy the smell of beets cooking in my kitchen. It's not just one emotion, ever. There is no black and white. It's okay to live in the gray. I'll stay here a while.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Live in the Gray
Isn't life fickle? I am constantly feeling the pull of the beauty and tragedy of life, as you have seen many recent posts reflect. I guess my obsession with exploring this idea is that it is so underrepresented in conversation, media, and even in the way we construct who we are. We like to think that people are good or they are bad; ugly or pretty; nice or mean; happy or sad. Isn't it really all of these? You're nice and you're mean -and you know it. I'm looking pretty good right now (both physically and emotionally) but talk to me on Thursday night and I was feeling ugly (yes, both physically and emotionally). I find these beautiful moments in every day peppered in with very difficult times. I find myself feeling ever so sorry for myself because I don't have enough money to buy myself two sweaters. (Because...waaaahhhh....I really wanted it and it looked really cute on me). I literally walk to my car in the shopping center parking lot with a bag full of goodies and feel depressed that I couldn't buy more. I sit with that emotion for a moment and allow myself to feel it. Quickly I become wrought with guilt over my lack of gratitude for what I have. I take the time to notice the pretty fabric I have tied to the top of my homemade apple butter. I pause with thankfulness for the fact that I can not afford to buy everyone presents this year. I reflect on how this has forced me to use my creativity to make presents; I breathe in fresh lemon curd. And while I try to keep this emotion, I walk past my pantry. I do not stop to think how thankful I am to have a full pantry, I complain that I'll never have a big house, that I don't have enough space, and that I'll die trapped in this mortgage on my depreciated condo.
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My own experience - we went through several very, very lean Christmas seasons ($20 for two weeks of groceries-type seasons), and the homemaking of presents was absolutely essential then, so we got very resourceful (one year we recorded a Christmas album to bad MIDI backgrounds playing...horrible sound quality, but people loved them...we made ornaments, knit scarves, beaded necklaces, made soap and scented bath products, and baked dozens of cookies). Now our financial situation is more stable, for the moment, and we have the finances to purchase gifts...BUT...we learned from family and friends that it's the homemade stuff they really like best anyway.
ReplyDeleteSo this year I've baked, canned, knitted, sewn, and beaded, just as I've done in years before. And my friends and family will be receiving wonderful baskets of jam, marmalade, apple butter, mustards, pickles, peanut brittle, peppermint bark, and cookies that come with a little piece of my heart and soul. It isn't even about money...it's about giving that piece of your heart.
So good for you for putting your heart, and not your wallet, behind Christmas gifts this year. I'm betting that your loved ones will be incredibly thankful for it.